“This Didn’t Start With Me”: When Childhood Pain Becomes Tomorrow’s Pattern
When we hear the word “trauma,” many of us think of riots, wars, or disasters. But in my therapy room, the stories that quietly break people are often far more ordinary: the father who never spoke unless he was shouting, the mother who used silent treatment for days, the child who always got less time, love or care than a sibling.
In psychology, it is referred to as Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs). This refers to a collection of potential traumatic events that occur before the age of 18 years, including abuse (physical, emotional & sexual), neglect (emotional & physical) and household dysfunction (substance use, mental illness, domestic violence, parental separation or divorce, incarceration and death). Large studies, including work from India, show that these experiences are common and strongly linked to depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, addiction, and physical illness in adulthood. One study from Kerala, for example, found that 91% of young people had at least one ACE and about half had three or more.
What many adults do not realise is that the story often doesn’t end with them. When the impact of these early wounds is not recognised or addressed, it is very easy for them to travel to the next generation. This is what we call intergenerational trauma.
Consider a boy who grows up in a home where his father drinks and becomes violent, and his mother copes by staying silent. As an adult, he may swear he will “never be like his father,” yet finds himself shouting, breaking things, or storming out when he feels helpless. Or he may go to the other extreme: never raising his voice, tolerating abuse at work or in marriage, terrified of conflict. Either way, his children grow up walking on eggshells around him, just as he once did.
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Similarly, a girl who was constantly compared to her brother was told that she was “less than,” given fewer opportunities, may become a perfectionist adult who never feels good enough, or a parent who pushes her own children relentlessly to achieve so they never feel the shame she did. The intention is love and protection; the impact is anxiety, self-criticism, and distance. Research shows that parents who have unresolved trauma are more likely to struggle with emotional regulation and secure attachment. They may be emotionally distant , overcontrolling and inconsistent. Children in such homes often internalise the message that their feelings are a problem, that love must be earned, or that relationships are unsafe. These beliefs can quietly guide their choices in partners, careers, and even how they parent, long after childhood has ended.
Breaking intergenerational trauma is not a one-time act. It is a quiet, ongoing process.
The good news is that intergenerational trauma is not destiny. Awareness is already a form of prevention. When adults begin to recognise that “this pattern did not start with me,” shame loosens its grip. Instead of labelling themselves “weak,” “crazy,” or “too sensitive,” they can see their reactions as understandable responses to earlier conditions and, importantly, as changeable.
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Breaking intergenerational trauma is not a one-time act. It is a quiet, ongoing process. It happens in everyday moments, when we pause instead of reacting, when we listen instead of dismissing, when we choose connection over control.
We may not have chosen what we inherited. But we can choose what we pass on.
And perhaps, that is where true healing begins not just for ourselves, but for generations to come.
(Neethumol Xaviour is a Psychiatric Social Worker and Doctoral fellow in Psychiatric Social Work with expertise in child and adolescent mental health, relationship concerns, and trauma- focused interventions. She works extensively with individuals, couples, and families, offering evidence-informed therapeutic support.
Her areas of specialisation include couple and family therapy, trauma-focused care (including work with child sexual abuse survivors), and mental health concerns among children and adolescents. She is trained in Solution-Focused Brief Therapy (SFBT – Level 2), interventions and skills for working with child sexual abuse (CSA), couple and family therapy, and Gen Z parenting approaches.)
